Four Steps You Can Take Now Toward Intentional Parenting

Parenting is hard work, especially if you want to get it "right."  My kids were pretty young when I realized how heavy the weight of responsibility was as a mom.  My husband and I definitely wanted to do our best.  

Is this where you are, too?  Are you praying that your parenting is good enough?  What even is "good enough?"

Every stage of parenting has its challenges, but no matter where you find yourself on the journey, you can take these steps and move toward intentional parenting.

1. Pause. Take a deep breath. Make a date with your spouse or anyone that is helping you parent.  Make time to think through your parenting philosophy and plan.

Taking time to stop and give this the attention it deserves is critical. It is very likely that your time is taken up by all the good things you're doing to be a good parent, a good spouse, and a good employee or boss.  But what if you're spending your time doing things that don't really matter?  What if you're climbing a ladder that's leaning against the wrong wall?

Pray for wisdom. God has put your family together just as it is.  He will guide you.  He wants you to ask for help.

Pausing also helps us admit that we are not the ones in control. The world keeps spinning even if we stop.  

So, stop.

Action:  Make an appointment with your spouse or a trusted friend to go through these steps.

2. Perspective--get some! You can't chart a course anywhere unless you know where you are going and where you are now. 

How do YOU define "good parenting?" Who else wants to influence that definition?  Are they a trustworthy source?  Or can you dismiss some opinions and information?

Although you will be a parent for as long as you live, I challenge you to consider the end goal to be when they are launched from under your roof. Of course, we dream of being friends and advisers to our kids as they make adult decisions, but that is not quite how "parenting" is defined. 

How do you want to relate to your kids when they are no longer obligated to live under your roof?  How do you want to feel about the decisions you made as they were growing up?  What kinds of memories do you want to have? What are some regrets that you want to avoid?

As you look into the future and toward a time when your "active parenting" journey concludes, you can begin to chart a course for how to use the time you have. Where are you now?  What parenting season are you in? What else is going on in your life?  Does it serve the goals you have?

NOTE:  This is not where you make goals for how your children will turn out.  You cannot script a life for another human.  Do not fall into the trap of focusing on external outcomes in the lives of your children.  Be careful not to make assumptions about how long they will have you or how long you will have them.  Your perspective should also consider your life and the lives of your children in light of eternity.

Action: Spend time articulating your vision for the future relationship you want to have with your children once they are adults. What are the heart-issues you want to keep top-of-mind?  This will help you make decisions about what really matters.

3. Phases--of their development and of your parenting. It's obvious that how you interact with a toddler is different than with a pre-teen. They need different things from you at different stages of their lives. Knowing what phase they are in will help you with your approach and plan.  The following names for these phases are from a podcast linked below and describe how your parenting should be characterized.

• Discipline (birth to 5 years old).  Specifically redemptive discipline because it's about the heart and not behavior modification. Shepherd them to the Shepherd.

• Training (5 to 12 years). Help them connect their choices to consequences. Do not "rescue" them, but allow natural consequences to teach the lesson.  Explain as you train.  Once they know Jesus as Savior, they also need to know Him as Lord.

• Coaching (12 to 18 years). You are watching on the sidelines, throwing out instructions and directions. You are not out there playing for them or through them. You are encouraging their own growth and decision-making processes.  With wisdom, you may take them off the "field" to course correct or review the play.  This stage may call on you to pray more than ever.

The podcast includes a final phase they named "Friendship," as that is their goal for their relationship with adult children.  For more details on these phases and other parenting wisdom, here is the first of a two-part podcast series from Andy Stanley.

Action: Identify where you are with each kid and how to tweak your approach to parenting. Get on the same page with your spouse.

4. Pace yourself--this is a marathon. Be intentional with however much time you have left with these kids under your roof.  The years are short even when the days feel long. Don't be caught off guard but don't panic.

Action: Pray and begin to walk out your plan.  Come back together often and remind yourself of the goal and motivation, then make your plan for the next season and review often. Find others who want to be intentional parents and encourage one another. 

For us, we are in the coaching years and have seen some sweet fruit.  We still pray a lot.  We also trust God to fill in for what we've missed.  We trust Him to make all our mistakes work for the good of our children because they are His.  God is good and He loves our kids more than we even imagine.

What phase of parenting are you in? What is one thing you're already seeing that has resulted from intentional parenting?  What is one thing can you do differently today?